I am even more convinced that those who are not Bipolar have only a foggy idea of what it really means to be Bipolar, and they have an even foggier idea how it affects those of us living with it and how it influences our behavior.
I was typically half an hour early for work yesterday so before work began I asked for an impromptu meeting with one of my directors to discuss this procession of meetings they have been having with me. I provided her with a complete year of my normal paperwork as well as documents I created specifically for record keeping to demonstrate what my paperwork looks like normally, not the sorry state of a strained September/October Bipolar mess, and record keeping forms specific to what we are doing (she had never seen them before). It was my hope that this was enough to bring about an end to what feels like a weekly interrogation. Sadly, that will not be the way it will work, although my boss recognized that during these meetings she can tell by my face that I am very tense, anxious, and upset. My General Anxiety baseline is five out of ten and my anxiety and worry clearly rockets to the top of scale and higher during these meetings. I need to find ways to try to control emotions during the questioning, especially since we are now dealing with paperwork and answers that are six months old and my recall has been greatly diminished by time and Bipolar while my anxiety and despair are at their peaks. My anxiety and depression are always there, and it is hard to explain to friends and loved ones that it is my nature, beyond my control, to worry about things that have yet to happen, like all of the upcoming meetings I still have to have with Admin.
One sort of reassurance of the impromptu meeting was being told that I am not being targeted, that this situation and the history of events leading up to it are not about me alone. The meetings leading up to my request for my ADA rights put to light problems within the environment/people I was leaving. Another Admin took my position while they waited on my replacement. Red flags were raised and those persons will have their own set of meetings in due time.
Aside from that, life goes on. I will admit that I am learning to make new uses of weekends – especially last weekend’s four-day holiday weekend – taking naps. It is a beautiful time where my mind gets a break and refreshes itself between tasks, not to overlook my depression which also gets a reprieve while sleeping. Sleep is a beautiful friend when the brain is challenged or can’t cope. I took a nap yesterday and must have been so exhausted from my week that when the alarm went off I was completely disoriented and went into a panic that I had messed up my work schedule. Is that a clue that worrying about work often interferes with and influences even my time away?
In keeping with the theme of uncooperative and unpredictable, how about our weather lately? The week before the long Presidents’ Day weekend was nice and warm so I planned to spend the long peaceful weekend beginning prep work in the garden for spring … cutting back the roses and raking up all of the leaves I had used for bedding insulation, in addition to raking up plenty of stray leaves and dead-heading all of the ghostly remains of the Hosta and Irises. Gardening can be very therapeutic in good weather for as long as my back holds out. Plus, I still have several areas where nothing grows well and I need to plan and find new vegetation. This year I might try Bougainvillea, and maybe a fig tree. Don’t laugh, but since not even grass, peas, squash, rhubarb, and corn will not grow there, I am hoping for something less demanding of the soil that will take easier … realistic looking astro-turf?!
I’ll take ideas if you have any!
Tshuss,Noor