As promised, there will be no rhyme or reason to what I publish and when. The last few weeks have been excessively challenging. For some unspecified reason, my paperwork for September, October, and November has been the source of interest for my bosses. I will be the first to admit that those months were jarring and atypical of work that spans 11 years there. In those months, I was going through a critical co-worker crisis, my depression went from a 3 to 8 or 9 (10 being worst), my anxiety peaked at 10, there are lingering concerns with my husband’s health, and my sisters and I are at wit’s end dealing with the needs of our aging parents, one on each coast. And now I have weekly meetings at work to “correct” future paperwork. I always go into the meeting in great trepidation, and in turn leave, feeling battered and ready to quit. I only have four-and-a-half months left in the calendar year.
Still, in the midst of this particularly traumatizing situation, I know that if they did not care they would not put time in on me. But it is hard none-the-less. I have upped my psychologist visits to every week instead of every 2-3 weeks. And I will see my psychiatrist this week, and probably increase the frequency of that as well. Since I am popping Ativan like candy, I am sure we will flex some of my meds. I just can’t wait for the time when I can spend my days calmer, arranging flowers and furniture in my new home, and tilling soil and rocks in the flower beds of my new gardens. My biggest anxiety will be avoiding cattle and rattlesnakes.
What monsters have been keeping you awake at night?
Blessings,
Noor
Happy to have u back (check your sign off – I think you misspelled Noor).
Feeling ok about activities outside the home; but certainly facing many challenges. I’m lucky I have a family that I assist in the care of their mother and the building – so everything doesn’t rest on my shoulders.
But my home life is still my biggest challenge. I’m a hoarder. There. I said it. If you are my friend and you love me then you just smile and laugh with me or say I don’t believe you. But if I let you visit, then you would feel bad for me. Yesterday it came to a critical juncture. There was a clog in my bathtub drain this week. It got worse and water leaked into the apartment below mine. The super HAD to come inside. I was ready to cry. I apologized and he was so kind. He said to me, “Michael do not worry. I am just hear to help you. I see nothing. Only what I’m here to fix”. I called my neighbor (Giedrius) from the 2nd floor and he came to calm me down. The drain got fixed and I cleaned the bathroom. Now my new Kitty has the bedroom, a small foyer and bathroom to walk around with no debris on the floor. Next up is the living room and hallway. Then…the kitchen.
Long ago there was a series of switches or knobs in my brain that got turned on that got me to this point. In 1989 while trying to finish graduate school, I found out I had contracted HIV. Thinking I will die any moment trapped me until 8 years ago and that is no longer a fear and I know rationally an AIDS death will not be my fate. But the trauma is there and has made me crazy at many many times. My immediate mental health is stable and going well, but the effects of this trauma need to be looked at and let go so I can live like a regular human. No need to buy and collect things that I think in the future I will not be able to afford etc….because I’m not getting sick or dying anytime soon.
One motivation is my new Kitty. She puts things in her mouth and could swallow things. So slowly I must change my ways, declutter, keep floors debris free, begin to find the things I bought and use them (many are luxury items too buried to even find). But if I get my place sorted out then Kitty can go be in every room and be safe. Other repairs in my apartment can then occur. And I can live like a human again and discover some of the treasures I’ve collected. But I gotta remember…LESS IS MORE!
Onward….sometimes I just want to sleep and be in bed and hide because it’s overwhelming. Today I will break it down into a few small tasks.
The beautiful thing that came of this yesterday was that my super said “Michael, your friend Giedrius is a very good friend. He come to help you when most people say no”. Our super’s first language is Spanish so when he speaks English it is often simple but very very direct. Miguel (our super) said “you are very lucky to have a friend like this”. And I realized at that moment even with the adrenaline still pumping; yes I am lucky.
Side Note: I am a friend of the author of this blog and I share his tastes for collecting fine things and storing items for projects; but where he has them all organized, mine are just in piles. When I visit him and his partner, I marvel at the beauty of their home. Ahhh…one day I will live like this.
Sending you a hug and healing thoughts. I think about you often.
XO
Karen