“Noor,” Arabic, meaning “to bring light; divine light.” May my new name always bring light to the darkness that lives in the shadows of our lives.
It has been a while since I have posted anything of even modest value. I felt very beaten up after my last few posts on my other blog were called out by the company lawyers for potentially violating professional privacy in the work place, even though I never named names or the name of the company. They were afraid that my (old) name made me too easy to find and that clients might put two and two together or draw assumptions and sue. Don’t hesitate, litigate. Mix in the depression and the stellar anxiety I was already going through and I had lost all interest, passion, and hope to ever consider writing again. Although some things have sort of lessened in severity, new crises have arisen and I am back on the heavy doses of pills. I had lost that regular weekly “check in” with most of my friends (and my bipolar community) who follow me and my moods. People were wondering what happened to me and to where I disappeared …
In the process of determining my biggest trauma and how to get out of it, I did something which I consider to be a last resort action: requesting a Reasonable Accommodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). It is the second time with this company I have had to use this. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with RA-ADA, it is your safety net in the workplace by Federal mandate. I believe that you have to be certified (in my case, Bipolar l and EXTREME anxiety) by your mental health professional(s). The employer must find something equivalent to keep you on payroll while hopefully easing your burdened mind and emotions. IF they are not able to find you something and you are forced to leave/quit (and I recently learned this), it is deemed an Involuntary Quit. An Involuntary Quit allows you to file for unemployment benefits, whereas a simple flat-out quit does not come with unemployment benefits.
After being given my Accommodation (my employers said they did not want to lose me and that we will readdress the conflict that lead to this as we near a new quarter later this year. But digging myself out of the deep pit I was sucked into was still hard and takes a lot of constant self-reflection. It also requires many afternoon naps on the weekend because hey, if you are sleeping, you are not tormenting yourself with the negative thoughts and fears, right? “Did I push my boss too hard?” “Did I overreact to the situation?” “Did I make a mistake?” “Did I commit professional suicide? I had a meeting yesterday with top office officials, keeping in mind that my head was scrambled and in distress at the time of the paperwork they wanted me to defend(?), when I was done I felt as if I had been chewed up and spit out, utterly crushed, fearful, defeated, and depressed all over again. It is a horrible feeling. I couldn’t even eat dinner last evening, slept horribly, and was so tired and worn out all day. If I was independently wealthy, I’d retire today and pursue my arts and languages. You have to have SOMETHING to do, especially when you have nothing demanding your time!!!
May your only time demand (if you are on the American eastern seaboard with the coming snow-bomb storm) be laying on the sofa under a fur throw sipping tea as the fire burns bright beside you (OK, well, I guess you know what I’ll be doing!)
Blessings to all,
Noor